So firstly, I am a female! Yes, as shocking as this may seem WWE fans of the world, but there are some female followers out there too! Admittedly, my knowledge of wrestling is limited, having only just started watching in the past year due to Colbert’s worryingly creepy obsession with the half naked men, my motivation for watching is purely for the hilarity of the overdramatic man drama that evolves weekly from RAW and Smackdown superstars of the WWE! That and my worryingly creepy obsession with the half naked men!
For my first British Squared Circle blog I thought I’d give my views on some of the stars and, well whether I think they are any good, ironic seen as I’ve just stated I know shit all about it! First up, my pet peves are Kofi Kingston, Big Show and yes, im going there, Randy Orton!
Every week out bounces Kofi, doing his ‘Boom! Boom!’ hand signal with the crowd happily saluting back. Am I missing something? It seems that Kofi Kingston’s main likability is his hair, which inevitably will fall out of his pointless pony as soon as there’s a slight breeze headed in his direction. There is absolutely nothing that makes me like this face. Yes he can jump high! And yes, apparently he can deliver trouble in paradise! But really, he’s just very boring, predictable and his character lacks any sort of watchability. I often find myself zoned out, watching paint dry till I can zone back in and watch the rest of the show without half of my brain cells melting in a bored stupor!
As for Big Show, well yeh, he’s big! That’s about all there is to say about him. I find it pointlessly stupid that he plays the face card even though, lets face it, he relentlessly bullies the lesser characters of Smackdown every week. Who finishes with a punch anyway?! He’s not even the fattest; I mean ‘biggest’ on the show! I wish he’d take his over proportioned, stupid bearded face and shove it up his own arse, which I might add, leaves me with a mouth full of sick every time Cody Rhodes’ head disappears up there! (I mean seriously this is how desperate the man is, he’s started using his arse as a weapon. That’s something that 6-year-old boys do!) He’s outdated, and there are better characters that could be developed lower down the field than giving air time to this useless lump!
Leading me nicely on to Mr Snakeman himself Randy Orton! Ok firstly, admitting to my lack of knowledge, did the ‘I hear voices in my head, they talk to me…’ blahblah intro rubbish, come before the whole ‘I’m a snake! No seriously…’, or was that song tied into the slithery image after?! Just wondering if there was any sort of excuse for Randy Orton sexually abusing the floor of the ring every week when he, oh so realistically, mimics a snake by firstly pounding it with both his hands, then grinding his crotch against the mat. It’s so realistic that I often find myself transported to a wildlife programme, then fairly swiftly back just before he punts someone….just incase this was missed, this is heavily laden with sarcasm! Ok, admittedly he’s more interesting to watch the Kofi ‘Boom! Boom!’ and Big ‘Arse face’ Show! Clearly the man can wrestle, I say clearly I don’t have a fucking clue, but he acts like he can. I say ‘acts’ he cant act his way out of a paper bag with that snake impression. Lets compromise, he gives the impression he can wrestle! The thing with Orton is, he’s got this supposed bad boy image with absolutely nothing to back it up with. (Other then these apparently imaginary voices in his head and a pathetic ‘snake’ transformation before his finisher!) We all know how this turned out for the snake in Harry Potter….not good! If Orton really feels the need to ‘become’ an animal, maybe he could try a sloth, seen as he speaks at the speed of one. Or maybe an ant! Its well known those little buggers can carry sizes ridiculously over proportioned to their own! No, in all seriousness it appears Orton has to be a snake. Somehow the man has conditioned his eyes to appear as slits, due to perpetual squinting I presume, and the half ton of baby oil that’s delivered to him every show has another 6months to go before his yearly contract renewal.
On a side note, Diva Beth Pheonix, I have it confirmed, is in fact a man!
Thinking about it, there are a few stars I dislike. The easiest, and quickest way for me is to sum them up in a list, requiring as few words as possible:
R Truth – TWAT. Someone tell him we can’t actually understand his stupid rap! Oh, and take out Eve while you’re there, she’s just as annoying with her stupid dance moves. It only encourages him Eve….
Santino – haha this man is sooooo funny! His cobra is hilarious…. Oh no, wait, ITS NOT!
John Morrison ‘JOMO’ – Really?
Natalya – I’ve never actually seen her face, her chin blocks out the rest!
Rey Mysterio – Ridiculous! 619 is a stupid finisher! He’s the only one who manages to get his opponents to dangle from the middle rope in every match. Also his clothes are stupid, he seems to have wardrobe malfunctions every match. (Watch out for it you’ll see what I mean) Basically, how can a man that small defeat any of the other wrestlers who are twice his size! Actually his one realistic opponent would be….
Horn Swoggle – a similarly ridiculous waste of space!
The Divas! – Lets face it, although a few maybe good, WWE do nothing for the audience to take these matches seriously. I feel sorry for them really. Actually, no I don’t. They get paid to be ridiculed! Ridicule away people! Ridicule away!
Moving on to my love for Wade Barrett! I think I am biased, being from Preston as well, and loving his ‘simmer down’ comments that clearly just confuse an American audience already struggling to decipher his broad English accent. This mans a genius on the mic, and a clear match to Cena’s quick wit, playing the baddy perfectly. This is proved every week with most heat been thrown Barretts way, and lets face it, no one gave a shit about the others in the Nexus 1.0! My only quibble with my Barrett is that I wish he won a few more matches, and that’s more an argument for the WWE powers that be. The man needs to win matches to continue being an effective heel leader. It becomes predictable allowing the faces to beat him every week, be it through disqualification through the help of his best buds Gablater (like what I’ve done there? Gabriel and Slater = Gablater), or through the fact that apparently Cena is a demi-god, unbeatable to any other human being! Barrett is clearly one of the best on the mic, and moved to smackdown out of WWE’s desperation to revive a dying show that repeats the same match weekly. Edge/Kane/Alberto/Mysterio. Clearly someone, somewhere thinks he’s quite good, so could they do me a favour and give him a title to consolidate the image they’ve already built. Thanks! Oh also, please change the 80’s shit intro music. It’s embarrassing! It’s like my Dad’s music collection accidently got mistaken for Wade’s intro! Never good!
I can’t hate Jack Swagger. He has a lisp. It’s discriminatory! If WWE can accept a man who ‘hear’s voices’ and pretends to be a snake, then I can like a man who has a speech impediment! That’s all really. I unashamedly like Swagger, and I’d wish they’d bring back the Swagger soaring Eagle, if not purely to hear Swagger trying to pronounce his own name!
Ok, the only Divas I actually think are worth the air time, Laycool! Brilliantly bitchy, witty and interesting to watch, the other divas could learn something from the characters they’ve built for themselves! Also, both look like females, which is always a positive!
Finally, Vicky Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler! Fantastic match up here. Ziggler has the funniest adlibbed one liners on the mic, and we all know we love Guerrero! In fact, im going to start a campaign. (Or someone that can be bothered should) Guerrero for Smackdown GM! She’s far better then Teddy Long, who reminds me of an escapee from a retirement home, and storylines would be interesting, which is perhaps what Smackdown should be concentrating on at the moment! I think Katylin should be brought back, I say brought back, she is on Smackdown apparently! Somewhere backstage, lost, trying to find her way to the ring… The dynamic between the 3 worked and I can’t understand why WWE aren’t pushing this, as it’s clearly why Katlyin won NXT in the first place! Anyway, I hope Ziggler takes the belt of that guy, you know, the one who pretends he’s on drugs and never showers! It’s a PG show after all, what is Edge teaching kids that’s worthwhile!??!
In conclusion, I know shit-all and these are the inane views of someone who cares little about wrestling, and too much about weekly dramas!
